


Slowly Dissolving Our Time

by hobbleit



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Enjolras Has Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Relationship breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-04 10:35:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3064634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobbleit/pseuds/hobbleit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the Spin Hugo Spin Kink Meme: Combeferre, Enjolras and Grantaire are in a polyamorous relationship. The problem is that Enjolras schedule often doesn't match theirs, that his tastes are so different he sometimes doesn't join them when they go to an exhibit or a movie. Unintentionally, they start leaving him out, making Enjolras feel more and more unwanted. The rest of the amis don't notice because whenever they get together, Combeferre and R treat him like they used to and Enjolras feels happy again.</p><p>Enjolras starts to frequent a little café whenever the feeling of being an outsider in his own home gets too much for him. It's there where he meets someone who notices him, who can see how much he's hurting. That person is the reason Enjolras finally leaves C and R, and with that person's help, Enjolras starts to get his self confidence back, starts to heal. </p><p>As for Combeferre and R, it's not until Enjolras leaves that they realise how much they needed him and how they lost the best things that's ever happened to them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Been a while since I wrote a fic, so I'm back with my favourite (if no-one elses) pairing.
> 
> The title and song lyrics are from Anathema by Anathema.

** Chapter One **

 

_**It gave us a purpose, sometimes** _   
_**It gave us a reason, and a rhyme** _   
_**Looking for meaning in song** _   
_**Such inner searching, so long** _   
_**So long** _

 

He had been sitting staring at his tea for so long that it had begun to go cold.  He hadn’t even wanted it anyway, he’d only bought it because he didn’t want to go home yet and the café would only let him stay there if he bought something.  He’d taken two sips before his stomach began to turn and he couldn’t face drinking any more.  He’d been feeling a lot like that lately.

Going home was not something he really wanted to do.  If he went home he would have to face up to the crippling loneliness he felt even when he was in the same room as them.  At least in the café it did not seem so bad.  He could pretend that he would return home to soft kisses and the loving arms of the men who claimed to love him so much.  It was just all becoming too much to bear.

Enjolras had been in a relationship with Combeferre and Grantaire for two years now.  In the beginning it had been perfect, Enjolras had never felt so loved.  He had felt overjoyed and blessed to be in a relationship with them both, it was as if he had been missing part of his soul and the two other men completed him in a way that no-one else ever had. 

It couldn’t last, however.  Slowly but surely Enjolras felt himself being pushed out of the relationship and he wasn’t even sure that Combeferre and Grantaire were aware that they were doing it.  That was what hurt the most.  He could understand if they wanted to break up with him, if he was no longer what they were looking for and wanted to only be with each other.  Enjolras could accept that.  He might even be able to move on one day but this was different.  They didn’t see what they were doing.  They didn’t know they were slowly but surely cutting him out of the relationship.  For them, things carried on as normal but for Enjolras it was all falling apart.

It had just started with small things, barely noticeable at first but once they all began to add up it made Enjolras realise that he was an unwanted member of his own relationship.  Combeferre and Grantaire shared a lot of the same interests whereas Enjolras didn’t so he would often find himself alone on a night when they went out.  That was all right at first because they would return home and smother Enjolras with kisses before they all made love.

That didn’t happen anymore.  Either they returned home before Enjolras had finished work and were already in bed by the time he returned or Enjolras had fallen asleep waiting up for them.  Either way, they barely spent time with each other anymore and it was beginning to wear greatly.

There had been many times over the last few months when Enjolras had considered leaving, he really had, but then something would happen that would make him reconsider.  He would be at a meeting with everyone and feeling alone when a Combeferre’s strong arms would embrace him and his lips would be on his and for a moment everything would be perfect and just how it used to be.  Or Grantaire would sit with him for hours and they would just talk about anything that came to mind.  For a little while Enjolras could pretend that he was happy and that nothing had changed.  These moments were becoming few and far between.

The worst part was no-one else saw it.  Their friends only ever saw the good moments between them, when they were kissing Enjolras or being ridiculously romantic.  They didn’t see the nights when Enjolras sat in their flat alone, curled up in a chair with only a book or the television for comfort.  They were still under the false impression that Enjolras was happy.  How wrong they were, Enjolras thought bitterly.

He had found this small café by chance one day when he had been wandering around town trying his hardest not to think about how lonely he was feeling.  Combeferre and Grantaire had gone to see a film and had only felt to tell Enjolras via a note on the fridge.  They hadn’t even asked him if he had wanted to come with them so he had gone for a walk and found the café.  It had rapidly become his haven away from the pain his relationship was causing him.  It was always quiet and no-one bothered him when he was moping.  It suited him perfectly.

Enjolras looked at his watch and saw how late it was but he couldn’t seem to find the will to move.  He didn’t know what time the café closed, this was the latest he had stayed but he knew that Combeferre and Grantaire would not be home when he returned.  They were at an art exhibition that, once again, Enjolras had not been invited to.  He was in no mood to go home to an empty flat.

He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he had not realised that he was no longer alone.  There was another man in the café with him and he was currently staring at Enjolras.  He had noticed the sad man sitting in the corner and he wondered what was wrong to make an angel look so sad.  He wanted to go up to him and ask him if he was all right but he didn’t want to bother him.

Realising that his cup of tea was now completely cold, Enjolras pushed his chair back and stood up to leave.  Only then did he see the other man in the café.  Their eyes met for a moment when Enjolras saw that the man was staring at him and the other man blushed bright red and ducked his head.  He wasn’t expecting to be seen.  Enjolras decided it would be best to ignore him and to just leave without saying a word.  He really wasn’t in the right mood to be interacting with anyone.

He had just left the café and was walking down the street, wrapping his coat tightly around his thin frame in a futile attempt to keep out the cold winter night and wishing he had brought a hat with him when he had left his flat to go to work that morning but he hadn’t expected to be out this late. 

“Excuse me,” Enjolras heard a voice behind him but he didn’t immediately realise that the person was talking to him so he kept walking.  The voice called out again, “excuse me I think you left this.”  This time Enjolras stopped and turned.

It was the man he had seen in the café a few moments earlier and he was holding Enjolras’ wallet.  He must have left it on the table.

“Thank you,” Enjolras replied as he reached out to take his wallet from the man.  “My mind was on other things.”

“I noticed you seemed down.  Are you all right?”

“I’ll be fine,” Enjolras smiled sadly.  “I just need to work a few things out.”

“Well, I hope you manage to.”

“Thank you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Combeferre and Grantaire are clueless and Enjolras is hurting.

** Chapter Two **

 

**_But we laughed_ **   
**_And we cried_ **   
**_And we fought_ **   
**_And we tried_ **   
**_And we failed_ **

 

Enjolras returned to an empty flat just as he had expected.  Combeferre and Grantaire were still not home and Enjolras could feel the space.  Trying to push himself out of his self-pitying mope, Enjolras headed to bed.

He hadn’t been asleep long when he woke up to the sound of Combeferre and Grantaire returning home.  They sounded happy, Enjolras noticed and he wondered if they had missed him at all.  He could hear them laughing, interspersed with kisses and for a moment his heart soared.  Maybe they would come into the bedroom, see that Enjolras was awake and they would all make love like they used to.  His hopes were quickly dashed when he heard Grantaire moan and he realised that they were too wrapped up in each other and that they would not even make it to the bedroom before they had sex.  Enjolras tried not to cry but the lonely feeling rushed back and he felt a tear roll down his cheek.  He lay in bed and listened to the pair as they lost themselves in each other until they crawled into bed and then he pretended to be asleep so neither of them would realise that he had heard every single moment.

The next morning it was as if it had not happened.  Combeferre had wrapped his arms around Enjolras and kissed him on the cheek.

“Morning,” he smiled.  “How was your night?”

Enjolras wriggled out of Combeferre’s embrace and handed him a cup of tea to cover up his reluctance to be held.  “It was fine, yours?”

“The exhibit was amazing, Grantaire and I found it fascinating.  It was so thought provoking.”

“Really?  Maybe I should have come with you.”

“I don’t really think that it is your thing, you probably would have been bored.”

Enjolras felt his stomach drop and he suddenly couldn’t eat the slice of toast he had just carefully buttered.  Combeferre didn’t seem to notice as Grantaire had just appeared and was embracing him.  A moment later Enjolras felt a chaste peck on his cheek.

“Morning gorgeous,” Grantaire said but Enjolras didn’t know if he was talking about him or Combeferre.  He simply smiled back.

“Morning.  I heard the exhibition was good.”

“Good?  It was brilliant, really made you think, you know?  Totally not your thing but we found it really insightful.”  There is was again, not your thing.  Did they really think he was below their cultural fascinations?

“I’d better get ready I have to go into work,” Enjolras lied.  It was Saturday and he didn’t need to go to work but he needed to get out of the flat.

“But it’s Saturday,” Grantaire whined. 

“I know, but I left some stuff there last night and I need to go and pick it up.  I shouldn’t be more than a couple of hours,” he leaned in and gave both of them a quick kiss before grabbing his coat and hurrying out of the door.

He headed straight to his sanctuary, the little café where he could sit and gather his thoughts and think of what to do next.  It was a few hours until he had to meet his friends and he needed to steel himself for the afternoon. 

The problem was he felt so exhausted.  He was tired all the damned time and he didn’t want to pretend that everything was fine any more.  He wanted to scream and rage at the world at how unfair it all felt but he didn’t want to seem so self-pitying.  He had tried to suck it up and pretend it would all be okay but he knew deep down that it wasn’t.  He just needed to think.

It was empty in the café once again and Enjolras briefly wondered how they managed to stay in business with so few customers but he was not one to complain, he needed the quiet to think.

He sat down with a cup of tea and began to weigh everything up in his mind.  Why did he stay when he was so unhappy?  He wondered.  Was it because he was still so in love with his boyfriends or was it because he was just so used to feeling safe?  He had never been in a relationship before and he had no idea how they were supposed to work.  Were they always this hard?  Did he just stay because he didn’t want to lose two of his best friends?  These were all important things that he needed to consider before he made a decision. 

It was going to be a hard decision.

“I didn’t expect to see you again so soon,” a familiar voice spoke to Enjolras.  He looked up and saw the man from the previous night.  The man looked tired as if he hadn’t slept much, dark circles under his eyes clouded his face but he looked cheerful enough.  “Did you sort out what you needed to?”  He asked as he sat down at the table next to Enjolras.

“Not quite,” Enjolras replied sadly.  “In many ways I think today has just made everything less clear than before.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

Silence fell for a few moments as both men lost themselves in their relevant thoughts.  It was Enjolras who eventually broke the silence between them.

“So, what brings you to this café?  I don’t think I’ve ever been in at the same time as anyone else before.”

“The tea’s cheap,” the man explained.  “And it’s warmer than my flat so I can get work done without freezing to death.  What about you?”

“I’m having some problems with my home life and it is quiet enough in here so that I can sit and think,” Enjolras replied vaguely as he wasn’t sure if he wanted this man to know all about his relationship problems just yet.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Enjolras sighed and rubbed his eyes, “I don’t know.  I don’t even know what I’m thinking right now.  It’s all such a mess.”

“Have you tried talking about it?”

“No,” Enjolras admitted.  “I haven’t.”

“It could help.”

Enjolras thought for a moment. A man he had only met the previous night and whose name he didn’t even know was asking if Enjolras would tell him his problems.  Enjolras didn’t know what to say.  The man must have noticed his discomfort because his face flushed bright pink.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s okay,” Enjolras replied, feeling his own face heat up.  “It’s all just so messed up I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“Sometimes you need to get straight to the root of the problem.  Try talking to whoever it is you have the problem with.”

“Maybe I should.  Thanks for the advice.”

“Any time,” the other man smiled as Enjolras stood up.

“I have somewhere I need to go, I’m meeting friends but it was nice to talk to you.  Maybe I’ll see you around some time.”

“Maybe you will.”

Enjolras felt buoyant as he left the café and headed to meet his friends.  He had it all worked out in his head now, he would sit down with Combeferre and Grantaire and tell them how he felt.  How had he not thought of that before?  He wondered as he walked down the street.  Maybe because you didn’t want to know the answer, a small voice inside him whispered.  He pushed that particular thought to the back of his mind and determined to do what he had set out to do.

Courfeyrac greeted him with a huge hug and a sloppy kiss on the cheek.  Enjolras pushed his friend away but grinned at his over the top greeting.  “You’re late,” Courfeyrac told him.  “Everyone’s already here.”

Enjolras looked around and saw that Courfeyrac was right.  He was the last one there.  Combeferre noticed him and grinned, standing up and walking over to Enjolras before wrapping his arms around him and giving him a kiss.

“We thought you weren’t going to turn up,” he said.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Enjolras smiled and for a moment he felt like he used to.

The meeting passed without note and eventually everyone separated into small groups with Enjolras ensconced between his two loves.  Combeferre sat talking to them both as he ran his fingers through Enjolras’ curls and Grantaire idly stroked his arm, placing soft kisses on his fingers every so often.  It felt just like it did in the beginning when there was the three of them in the relationship.  For the first time in months Enjolras didn’t feel like an outsider.  For an hour he felt like he was loved again.

“You three are sickeningly perfect,” Courfeyrac groaned as he flopped down on the empty chair at their table.  “How are you all so perfect?”

“It just comes naturally,” Grantaire replied without looking at Courfeyrac.  He was too engrossed in Enjolras.

“So what are your plans for tonight?”  Courfeyrac asked.

“We don’t really have any,” Combeferre replied.  “I have to be at work early tomorrow so we were just planning on having an early night.”

The earlier happiness that Enjolras had felt suddenly disappeared.  Had they forgotten?  He had a work function that he was supposed to go to and Combeferre and Grantaire had promised months ago that they would attend with him.

“Actually, I’m supposed to go to this work thing tonight,” Enjolras said.

“Oh,” Combeferre replied.  “Why didn’t you say?”

“I did, months ago,” Enjolras told him trying not to let him know that he was hurt.

“Oh god, sorry, I completely forgot,” Combeferre said, just remembering what Enjolras had told him.  “I didn’t realise it was tonight.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Enjolras said quietly.  “You have to be up early.  I can just go on my own.”

“I’m sure ‘Aire would like to go with you.  Just because I can’t doesn’t mean that the two of you can’t have a good time together.”

“Do I have to?”  Grantaire moaned.  “I was only going because you were going.  You know I hate the people Enjolras works with, they’re so boring.”

Grantaire’s comment only served to fuel Enjolras’ fears and he stood up, pushing his chair back so hard it almost fell to the ground.  “It doesn’t matter,” he repeated as he grabbed his coat and stormed off.

“What’s the matter with him?”  Grantaire asked.

“You shouldn’t have called his work colleagues boring,” Combeferre replied. 

“I was joking.”

“I don’t think E saw it that way.  You should apologise to him.”

Enjolras was now no longer in the mood to attend his work function so he ended up walking around instead.  Grantaire’s words had cut into him like a knife, what if he thought that Enjolras was boring because he worked with such boring people.  He felt a tear form in his eye and he angrily wiped it away.  His earlier desire to talk to them had gone and he wanted to be alone once more.

He found himself back at the café, his haven, once more that day and he entered, desperate for some peace.  He looked over the small room and saw the man from earlier still sat at his table with a laptop.  He was concentrating and had not noticed Enjolras had entered.  Enjolras took a deep breath and walked over, hoping that he would still want to talk about his problems.

“Hi,” he greeted and the man looked up, smiling as he did.

“Hi,” he responded.

“Look, I know we don’t know each other and I don’t even know your name but I’ve had a rotten day, a rotten few months actually, and I really need someone to talk to.”

“Sit down,” the man gestured to the seat opposite and he closed his laptop.  “My name’s Marius.”

“Enjolras,” he replied as he sat down.

“Where do you want to start?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

 

_**But I loved you  
I loved you** _

 

Enjolras thought for a moment.  Where did he start?  The three of them had a lot of history between them and he didn’t want to scare his new confidante away with an overload of information.  He decided to just give the basic information.

“I’ve been seeing these two guys,” he replied and quickly realised he would need to clarify when Marius raised his eyebrows.  He must have thought that Enjolras was cheating.  “Oh no, I don’t mean like that,” he stuttered, turning as bright red as Marius currently was.  “It’s a polyamorous relationship.  They both know about it.”

“Oh,” Marius replied, not quite sure what to say.  “I’m not going to pretend to understand it but I won’t judge you if it makes you happy.”

“That’s the thing,” Enjolras continued.  “I’m not sure I’m happy anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve known Combeferre since I was a child and we’ve always been best friends.  Anyway, a couple of years ago he started going out with this other guy, Grantaire and I was so jealous of them.  One day they came up to me and told me that they both had feelings for me and they asked if I wanted to join the relationship.  We’ve been together for two years now and at first it was great but recently…”  Enjolras trailed off.

“What changed?”

“I don’t think I even really noticed at first.  It was just small things every so often, like they’d go and see a film on an afternoon when I was at work and they weren’t but then it started to get worse.  Our schedules don’t always match, Combeferre spends a lot of time at the hospital and I only work days but Grantaire works his own hours so if Ferre’s home during the day then they get to spend a lot of time together. 

“I don’t begrudge them spending time together when I’m at work, I really don’t,” Enjolras continued, “But then they started going out together on a night, just the two of them.  There’d be an art exhibition Grantaire would want to go and see a film but they wouldn’t ask me to go with them.”

“So you’re feeling pushed out?”

Enjolras nodded.  “They always tell me that I wouldn’t be interested because it’s not my sort of thing but they never even ask me first.  They just assume.  I don’t even think that they realise that they’re doing it.  Sometimes they can be so attentive and caring and then I feel like it’s going to be all right but then they’ll do something that hurts me so much and they don’t even realise.  I know it sounds petty but it feels like I’m not a part of this relationship anymore.  I love them but I don’t know if I want to be with them anymore.”

“Why don’t you leave?  I’m assuming there’s a reason why you haven’t ended the relationship yet.”

“They’re my best friends,” Enjolras replied sadly.  “They’ve always been my friends and I don’t know what I’d do without them.  I’m scared that if I break up with them then I’m going to lose them.”

“You don’t sound as if you have a lot of confidence in yourself.”

Enjolras let out a bitter laugh.  “I know, it’s really not like me at all but this is the only relationship I have ever been in and I’m not very experienced when it comes to this sort of thing and it does make me feel very insecure.”

“I know what that’s like,” Marius smiled sympathetically.

“Then how do you get over it?”

Marius shrugged, “no idea.  I haven’t managed to sort that part out myself yet.  I think talking about it might help though, to them not to me.”

“I want to but every time I try something happens or I just freeze and I can’t get the words out.  I just don’t want to feel so alone anymore.”

“You can talk to me any time you want to.”

“I might just take you up on that at least until I’ve made a decision.”

“You have a lot to think about.”

“I really do.  I just want to be able to make it through one day without crying.  I want to feel like myself again.”

“I think that you’re not going to be truly happy until you decide whether or not you want to stay in a relationship.  For what it’s worth I think that if it is making you so unhappy that you cry every day then you should leave even if it means losing two of your closest friends.”

Enjolras rubbed his face with his hands.  He knew Marius was right but he didn’t want to admit it to himself.  He felt scared.  He didn’t want to lose Combeferre and Grantaire but he knew that staying with them would only continue to make him feel unhappy.  Marius was right, he didn’t have a lot of confidence in himself anymore.  Sure, he could project the image of confidence, none of his other friend’s had noticed that he spoke less outside of meetings and even when he was making a speech he kept it short so he didn’t start panicking. 

He knew he was a shadow of his former self and he knew the reason why but it didn’t make his final decision any easier.  His entire life would change.  He would have to build himself back up from the bottom and the thought of having to do that terrified him.  He wasn’t even sure if he had the strength to walk away.

“Thank you Marius,” he told his new friend.  “You’ve given me a lot to think about but thank you for listening to me.  No-one else seems to be able to see how much this is hurting.”

“Why not?  It’s obvious,” Marius told him.  “I could see it from the moment I first saw you.  You looked so sad.”

“Maybe they’re just not looking hard enough.”

“You don’t need to look hard, it’s written on your face.  I meant what I said, I will listen any time you want to talk.  I’m here most of the time so you should be able to find me easily enough.”

“Thank you,” Enjolras said again.  “I should go, it’s getting late.  I don’t want to be out all night.  It was nice to talk to you.”

“And to you.  I’ll see you around.”

Enjolras nodded and smiled as he stood up and wrapped his coat around his thin frame.  It felt like a small weight had been lifted from his shoulders.  It was nice to know that he was not completely alone anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

 

_**Building foundations, straining** _   
_**Such good intentions, failing** _   
_**Slowly we faltered from the line** _   
_**slowly dissolving our time** _   
_**Our time** _

 

The flat was dark when Enjolras returned home.  He wasn’t surprised.  He knew that Combeferre had to be at work early in the morning so he and Grantaire would have gone to bed early.  It stung Enjolras to know that they had once again been spending time together but he immediately pushed those feelings down as this time it had been of his own doing.  He could have decided to stay in with them but his own hurt feelings led him to meet with the handsome stranger in the café.

Wait?  Enjolras stopped in his tracks.  When had he decided that Marius was handsome?  He certainly hadn’t been thinking that when they had been together so why had the thought just popped into his head?  Did he really think that Marius was handsome?  Enjolras tried to push the thought out of his mind so that he could head to bed but it would just not leave.

He pushed the bedroom door open and saw Combeferre and Grantaire wrapped around each other.  They looked so perfect together.  They fitted together like two pieces of a puzzle in a way that Enjolras suspected he had never.  Not wanting to disturb the peaceful scene in front of him, he closed the door and went to sleep on the sofa.

The noise Grantaire made as he shuffled around the flat the next morning woke Enjolras and he groaned at the pain in his neck from the uncomfortable sleeping position.  He slowly eased himself into a sitting position and was greeted by a cup of tea.  He gratefully took it from Grantaire and sipped it.

“Why didn’t you come to bed last night?  Are you still mad about me not going to your work thing?  You didn’t have to sleep on the sofa.”

“I didn’t want to disturb you,” Enjolras lied.  It was easier than saying how he felt out loud.  Despite Marius telling him that he needed to be honest about his feelings he couldn’t seem to voice them.  “You were already asleep and it was late so I just decided to sleep here.”

“I’m sorry,” Grantaire said as he sat next to Enjolras and pressed a soft kiss to his temple.  “I shouldn’t have called your work colleagues boring.  Combeferre really chewed me out for being so insensitive.”

“It doesn’t matter.  It was boring anyway, you would’ve hated it,” Enjolras lied, throwing back the words both Grantaire and Combeferre used so often towards him.  It felt like a hollow victory.

“I am really sorry though and I want to make it up to you.  What do you want to do today?  I will do anything you want.”

Enjolras smiled.  Maybe this could be his chance to turn things around between them.  Maybe all he needed was to spend a few hours alone with Grantaire and he would make him realise just how much he had been hurting him by unintentionally excluding him.

“How about we go into town for some lunch?”  Enjolras replied.  “We haven’t been on a date in ages.”

“Sure, where do you want to go?”

Enjolras smiled again.

It had started out so well.  They had headed into town to a small restaurant that had just opened.  The food was good and Enjolras relished the time he got to spend alone with his love.  It was just like how it used to be, they talked, laughed and kissed without a care in the world.  For a couple of hours Enjolras felt happy again and he could forget all of his pain.

It didn’t last though.  As they were leaving the restaurant Grantaire saw a couple of his friends and went to talk to them telling Enjolras he would catch up with him.  He didn’t.  Enjolras was left alone on the pavement and after waiting for twenty minutes he gave up and left.  He hoped that he would find Marius at the café so he headed there.

Marius was indeed there and Enjolras immediately felt his spirits lift.  He walked over to the other man sat at a table with his head buried in his work.

“I’m beginning to think that you live here,” he joked as he sat down opposite Marius.

“I wish I did,” Marius replied, his face lighting up at the sight of Enjolras.  “It’s so much warmer and quieter than my flat.”

“Is where you live that bad?”

“I haven’t had any heating for three weeks now,” Marius told him.

“That’s awful, couldn’t you find somewhere else to live?”

“I can’t afford it.  I can barely afford where I’m living now.  I spend all of my time working so please distract me for a while.”

“What do you do?”

“I translate.”

“You speak different languages?”

“English, French and German,” Marius told him.

“That’s pretty cool.”

“It hardly helps pay the bills,” he added morosely.  “Anyway, it’s a Sunday, what are you doing here?”

“I was supposed to be spending the day with Grantaire but he met some of his friends,” Enjolras replied, unable to keep the sadness from his voice.  “He must have got caught up because he hasn’t tried to contact me yet.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to do.”

Enjolras shrugged his shoulders.  “He hadn’t seen them for a while.”

“But he just dumped you.”

“It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t bother me.”

“Yes it does.”

“Yes it does,” Enjolras repeated in agreement.  “It bothers me a lot.”

“Then do something about it.”

Enjolras opened his mouth to protest but he quickly closed it again.  Marius was right, he had been right the night before but Enjolras had lacked the confidence to do anything about it.  He still lacked the confidence to do anything.  “I’m scared,” he said quietly.

“I know but you’re making yourself ill,” Marius cautiously reached out and touched Enjolras’ hand.  When Enjolras did not pull away he clasped it gently.  “Don’t you think you deserve some happiness too?”

Enjolras was about to reply when his phone beeped.  He looked at it and there was a text from Grantaire. 

_Where are you?_

“I should go,” Enjolras said as he stood up.

“You’re worth more than this,” Marius said.

“Am I?”  Enjolras asked.  “Sometimes I don’t feel it.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left to go.

**Chapter Five**

_**But we laughed** _   
_**And we cried** _   
_**And we fought** _   
_**And we tried** _   
_**And we failed** _

Enjolras seemed to spend more and more time with Marius.  They would often meet at the café, especially when Enjolras was feeling down, and they would just talk.  Enjolras began to relish these moments as much as he did spending time with Combeferre and Grantaire.  With Marius Enjolras felt cared about, he felt special, just as he had done when he had first been in the relationship.

The thing that saddened him the most was the Combeferre and Grantaire didn’t seem to notice that he was spending less and less time with them.  They went on with their daily business and hardly seemed to give a second thought about him.  This only served to increase Enjolras’ anguish.

One night, after leaving the café, Marius invited back to his flat.  Enjolras smiled and accepted.

Marius’ flat was just as grim as he had described it.  It was small, only one main room/kitchen/bedroom area and a grubby little bathroom.  “Sorry it’s not much but I can offer you a cup of tea.”

“Thank you,” Enjolras said as he sat cautiously on a chair.  He watched Marius as he pottered around in the kitchen.

Marius had an awkward charm about him Enjolras had realised.  He was sweet but he often put his foot in it and Enjolras was sure that he blushed so much that one day he would just stay red.  He liked him, he made Enjolras smile.

“Here’s your tea,” Marius said as he handed Enjolras a chipped mug.  Enjolras took a sip and Marius sat down on the chair next to him.

“Your flat’s a death trap,” he told Marius.

“Like I said it’s the best I can afford.  I like being on my own most of the time though.”

“Don’t you feel lonely?”

“Sometimes,” he admitted.  “That’s why I’m glad I met you.”

“I hate feeling lonely.  There’s nothing worse than being in a room with people and know that you could say anything and neither of them would hear what you had to say.”

“You need to get out of the relationship.  It’s killing you.  I can see it every day and it hurts my heart to see you like this.”

“And where would I go?”

“You could come and live here.  It’s just the right size for two people,” Marius joked.  “Seriously, though, you need to be happy.”

“I know, I know but it’s hard.”

“It’ll be easier once you’ve done it.  I know you’ve lost a lot of confidence and I know you’re hurting so much but it’ll get better.  I promise you it will get better.”

“I don’t want to be on my own,” Enjolras said in a quiet voice, tears running down his face.

“You won’t be.  You will never be alone.  I’m here for you.”

Enjolras looked into Marius’ eyes.  He had long since admitted that he found the young man handsome but now he was just beginning to admit to himself that he actually liked him.  He had been helping him through a difficult time and his feelings had begun to run deep.  He had the sudden urge to kiss Marius.  He leaned in, touching Marius’ cheek gently before he kissed him softly on the lips.

The kiss lasted barely a moment before Enjolras pulled away.  “Oh my god I am so sorry.  I didn’t mean to do that.”

“It’s all right,” Marius replied, his face flushed bright red as Enjolras stood up.

“I should go.  I’m sorry.  I won’t bother you again,” he said as he hurried from the flat.

Why had he done that?  Enjolras asked himself over and over again as he headed home.  He should never have gone back with Marius, he shouldn’t have been so reckless.  No matter how he felt he was still in a relationship and he had always prided himself on being loyal.

That didn’t change the fact that he had enjoyed it.  It didn’t change the fact that he wanted to do it again.  Marius had been there for him over the last few weeks and he was beginning to fall for him.  He knew what he had to do.

-x-

Enjolras found Combeferre and Grantaire at home sitting on the sofa, curled up in each other's arms.  They looked up as he closed the door and he smiled sadly at them.

"Can we talk?"  He asked as he crossed the room and sat down on a chair.

"Of course," Combeferre replied, his voice sounding slightly confused.  "What about?"

"I don't really know where to start," Enjolras told them.  "There's a lot I have to say," he paused for a moment before continuing.  "I think I need to leave this relationship," he said, realising that there was no point trying to skirt around the issue any more.  He was unhappy and if he didn't just say it then he never would.

"What?"  Grantaire exclaimed.  "Why?"

"I'm not happy," Enjolras replied.  "I haven't been happy for a long time."

"I don't understand."

Enjolras sighed and felt tears form in his eyes.  He needed to get all of his feelings out before he started crying.  "When you first asked me if I wanted to join you I was so happy.  It was all I wanted and for a while it was amazing.  I've never been happier than the last two years but recently I've begun to feel as if I'm not part of this relationship anymore.  You exclude me, you go out and you don't invite me and then tell me that I wouldn't have been interested anyway.  You're always together and you often treat me as an afterthought.  I love you both so much but you've been hurting me these past few months and I don't even think you realise that you're doing it."

Neither Combeferre nor Grantaire spoke.  They had no words.  Enjolras continued,

"I met someone," he admitted.  "When I was feeling alone I would go out and eventually I found this little café and I met someone.  He's been a great friend, listening to my problems and giving advice but tonight I kissed him.

"I'd never thought about kissing anyone else," Enjolras continued, not giving em a chance to interrupt despite the shocked looks they had on their faces.  He needed to finish telling them everything or he would not be able to get it out.  "I've been feeling very low and I don't like it.  I've lost all of my confidence and I want to cry all of the time but he made it better.  He made me feel better about myself and now I think I have feelings for him.

"He's not the reason why I'm leaving, I have to go.  I can't stay here anymore and I can't go on feeling like I don't matter.  I love you both so much but I need to get out for myself more than anything.  I need time to figure out what I want."

Enjolras stopped and for the first time he realised that he had started to cry.  Combeferre and Grantaire were crying too.

"We never realised," Combeferre said sadly as he reached over and touched Enjolras' hand.  He took a little bit of comfort in the act and smiled sadly.

"I know," he replied.  "I know you'd never deliberately set out to hurt me."

"We can try again, be better this time."

"I know you could but I'm not going to.  You two are perfect together, you complete each other and you don't need me.  I'm just a spare part."

"You were never just a spare part."

"That's how I've felt.  I don't belong in this relationship so it's time I moved on.  I just don't want to leave you on bad terms."

"What are you going to do?"  Grantaire asked.

"I'll pack my things and find somewhere else to stay.  I'll go tonight."

"You don't have to."

"Yes I do.  I think it's best that I leave as soon as possible.  If I stay I might change my mind about leaving."

"Maybe you should stay then," Grantaire weakly tried to joke.  Enjolras gave another sad smile.

"That'd only prolong the pain.  I'll pack some of my clothes now and go and when I'm settled I'll come back for the rest of the things."

"We really love you, you know that, right?"  Combeferre said through the tears as Enjolras stood up to go to the bedroom.

"I know you did and I really love you too.  You were my first ever relationship and you taught me so much about being in love but I need to stand on my own now.  I need to remember who I am."

"What about that guy, the one you've been talking to?"  Grantaire asked. 

"I don't know.  I like him and I think I have feelings for him but I don't know if I'm just projecting them onto him because I've been feeling so lonely.  I think I need some time alone for a while before I make anymore big decisions."

Taking the final step out of the door was the hardest thing that Enjolras had ever done.  A part of him was screaming not to leave, to stay and work things out but the logical part of his brain comforted him and told him that leaving was the right thing to do.  Once he took that last step and closed the door behind him he felt a strange sense of relief that he had not expected.  It was as if a great weight had been lifted from his heart.

He knew eventually he would be all right.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. I hate the ending but, then, I always suck at ending fics.

**Chapter Six**

_**But I loved you** _   
_**I loved you** _

Courfeyrac hadn’t expected anyone to be knocking on his door at that time of night.  It was late and he had been falling asleep at his laptop as he tried to get his work for the day finished.  The gentle and hesitant knock on the door had jolted him awake and he sleepily crossed the room to open the door.

He was surprised to see Enjolras on the other side holding a bag, his eyes red rimmed and full of unshed tears.

“Is it all right if I stay with you for a while?”

Courfeyrac opened the door wider to his friend and allowed him to enter.  “Of course, what happened?”

“I seem to have broken up with Combeferre and Grantaire.”

“Why?”  Courfeyrac asked as Enjolras flopped down on the sofa.

“It’s a long story.”

“Tell me everything.”

Enjolras cried silently as he told Courfeyrac all of the horrible details about the end of his relationship and to his friend’s credit he sat in silence until Enjolras had finished his account.  When he had finished and he felt completely exhausted, Courfeyrac took him in his arms and held him as he cried.

“Feeling better?”  Courfeyrac asked once Enjolras eventually stopped crying.

“Yes, thanks,” Enjolras replied, his voice cracking from the crying. 

“What are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know.  Try to figure out who I am again without them, maybe.  I just don’t know where to start.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

-x-

After Enjolras’ abrupt departure the previous evening Marius wasn’t expecting to see him again the next day standing on the threshold of his door just as he was about to go out.

“Hi,” Enjolras said quietly.  “I’m sorry about last night.”

Marius smiled slightly.  “It’s all right, I’m used to people running away once they’ve kissed me,” he joked.

“I broke up with Combeferre and Grantaire last night,” Enjolras told him.

“That’s good, I’m proud of you.  How do you feel?”

“Sad, relieved, a little bit heartbroken,” Enjolras explained.

“That’s only natural, you were with them for a very long time.  Come in and sit down and I’ll make some tea.”

“Thanks,” Enjolras smiled as he entered the cramped flat and sat down on the same chair he had done the previous evening.

“Where are you staying?”

“With my friend, Courfeyrac.  He said I can stay as long as I need to.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, he’s a good friend.”

Marius handed Enjolras a cup and they both fell into silence, the embarrassment Enjolras felt over the kiss the previous evening hanging over them.

“I am sorry about last night,” Enjolras eventually broke the silence.  “I was acting rash and I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“I’ve already said it was all right.”

“The thing is…” Enjolras started but then stopped, trying to think about what he was going to say next.  “The thing is I wanted to do it.  Since we met I’ve come to believe that I have feelings for you and last night I acted on them.  The problem is I don’t know if those feelings are real or if I am just projecting my unhappiness at my relationship and making up feelings that aren’t really there.  Do you understand, I don’t know if I am making any sense?”

“I understand,” Marius replied.  “What do you want to do because I know I have very real feelings for you?”

“I need a bit of time to clear my mind and think.  Once I’m feeling better and not so heartbroken I’ll be able to think straight.  I don’t want to rush into anything and getting hurt again.”

“Can we still be friends?  I think I would miss you if you disappeared completely.”

“I would like that,” Enjolras smiled.

-x-

**_New Year_ ** **_’_ ** **_s Eve_ **

It was a cold night but Enjolras still sat on the wall outside the house.  He didn’t mind the cold and he even enjoyed sitting outside looking at the stars.  The party inside was beginning to wear on him and he needed a few moments of peace and quiet before the clock struck twelve and everyone would come looking for him to wish him a happy new year.

And what a year it had been in Enjolras’ opinion.  He hadn’t seen Combeferre or Grantaire in months, not since he had finished moving out of their flat.  He had made a conscious effort not to see them until he was feeling better about himself and his confidence had returned but as the months went on he found it harder to go and see them.  It just seemed easier to avoid them much to Enjolras’ regret.

It was impossible to avoid them tonight as they were both attending Courfeyrac’s New Year’s Eve party.  He had seen them both but hadn’t spoken to them.  Sitting outside by himself was an attempt to avoid them.  It didn’t work.

“Long time, no see,” a voice came from beside him.  Enjolras turned to the familiar voice and saw Combeferre sitting next to him.

“Hi,” he said quietly, suddenly feeling ashamed at having avoided Combeferre for so long.  They had been friends for years, after all.

“How’ve you been?”

“Good, you?”

“I’m good too.”

“Good, and Grantaire?”

“He’s also good.  Can we stop saying good?  We’re acting like two strangers and I don’t like it.  I miss you.”

Enjolras sighed, “I miss you too,” he said.  “I thought it would be easier to avoid you and Grantaire but seeing you now just makes me realise that there’s been a hole I haven’t been able to fill.  Can we be friends again?”

“I really want that.  I don’t think I realised just how much I would miss you once you were out of my life.  Things haven’t been the same.”

“What do you mean?”

“’Aire and I miss you.  We argue a lot more now, have done for months.  It’s as if we didn’t realise that we had a good thing until it was gone.”

“You’ll be fine.  You’re both perfect together.  It was me that didn’t fit.”

“You fitted better than you realise,” Combeferre replied with a tinge of sadness in his voice as he stood up.  “I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah, definitely, give me a call and we’ll meet up sometime,” Enjolras smiled and watched as his former love walked away.

In the background he could hear the delighted cheers of his friends counting down to midnight.  He stood up, deciding to head back into the party to wish everyone a happy new year, but he was abruptly stopped by someone putting their hand on his arm.  He turned around and was greeted with a kiss on the lips.  Enjolras was shocked for a moment but then he relaxed into the kiss.  He pulled back and saw Marius stood in front of him.

“What was that for?”  He asked.

“Aren’t you supposed to kiss your loved one when it’s midnight?  Besides, when do I need an excuse to kiss my boyfriend?”

“Good point,” Enjolras smiled and leaned in to kiss him again.  “Happy New Year.”

“Here’s to this year being better than last year.”

“It started off pretty bad but I would say it ended well.”

“Then let’s definitely hope it’s better than last year,” Marius smiled.

“I talked to Combeferre,” Enjolras said.

“That’s good, what did he say?”

“He said he missed me and asked if we could try to be friends.  It was nice to finally talk to him again.  Do you think I should?”

“I think you should do whatever makes you happy.”

“I think it would.”

“Then do it.”

Enjolras kissed Marius one last time.  “We should go back into the party,” he suggested.  “I have a lot of friends to say happy New Year to.”

Marius took Enjolras’s hand in his.  He took a moment to reflect how much things had changed in just a few short months.  After spending some time getting over his relationship with Combeferre and Grantaire he realised that the feelings he had developed for Marius were real and they had begun a relationship slightly afterwards.  Looking back, it had been a hard year but now Enjolras finally felt like he was on the right track and he had regained a lot of his lost confidence. 

“Are you coming then?”  Marius’ voice broke him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah,” he replied.  “I’m coming.”


End file.
